Suicidal Tendencies

Detour.

2011-11-13T16:50:00.001+08:00

After all these time, I don’t know what I am doing here. I don’t have the words to articulate this particular thought at this time. But I’d admit, I’m feeling nostalgic and I wish I could go back to a time much simpler than this.

Closure.

2011-09-20T10:42:00.000+08:00

I do not have a publicly personal blog, but I do write regularly between pictures/quotes in my Tumblr. Follow me! http://bonesforbedframes.tumblr.com/

SELLING.

2011-09-11T20:00:00.001+08:00

+11 items added to the Webstore! Local Shoppers are entitled to FOC normal postage. http://28octobers.livejournal.com

LESBIANS4LYF3

2011-09-04T00:18:00.005+08:00

2011-09-03T10:48:00.000+08:00

The Fear of Floating Away.

2011-09-01T19:55:00.001+08:00

That’s what it feels like when you fall from great heights. That’s what it feels like when your heart grows back. That's what it feels like when you don't want to feel. But this, this is just me.

Myself | Jeffery Campbell Lita in Black Calf Leather | Won Hundred Hand in Black.

2011-08-27T17:11:00.001+08:00

I'm out of love, but I'd take it from the past.

2011-08-26T02:05:00.003+08:00

I miss you when something really good happens, because you're the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you're the only one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you're the one who makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lie awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other for those were some of the best memories of my life.

The Freedom.

2011-08-23T20:40:00.009+08:00

Check out my Friend's photoshoot: An Alif Brownstone production, and refer to —http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=767099052&sk=photos for more of his artwork. A side-note: I might get hammered for promoting their availability but, both the photographer and model, Bordin John Garrity are single. Hit 'em up!

I haven't entered the War-zone, but I am defeated.

2011-08-21T21:48:00.010+08:00

Recently, things aren't looking good for me. My DPA application was declined due to the juvenile record I bared, and I haven’t came around since the rejection because I took it as my last opportunity, offering all of myself. It makes me sick to the bones, realizing how my past has hindered, jeopardized and overwrite my future. My future that I desperately sought after. So believe me, nothing good comes from running with a bad crowd. And as expected, I relapsed, and found solace back on the alcohol, nicotine and pills. Besides, I haven’t been happy. I’ve been so angry, torn-up and lost. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, and I don’t want to try turning over anymore because I’m truly and genuinely, jaded.

Time Purses Changes.

2011-08-21T00:40:00.003+08:00

This is how I'd look without make-up. Barefaced.

2011-08-17T23:48:00.000+08:00

2011-08-16T03:42:00.001+08:00

Having a good conversation with @NickySunshiine whilst eating Cold Stone Creamery.

2011-08-14T02:45:00.003+08:00

Me: “Why are using a Casio?” Nick: “Because I haven’t upgraded to a Rolex yet.” Face-palm.

My Sober Life Now.

2011-08-13T00:54:00.004+08:00

As I sit here to write this, I think back over the last few months and in many ways my experience is unbelievable to me. I do not drink alcohol anymore, I am not depressed, I am not walking around with the debilitating social anxiety I once suffered from, I am not taking anti-depressants, I do not see a therapist, I do not smoke. I am pretty much a regular person now. Wow. A few months ago I never would have thought that I could write a statement like that. But I just did and every word of it is true. I am not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t ever get down, or feel anxious about life because there are times, very few and far between that I do feel that way. But that is pretty normal; I don’t know anyone who doesn’t go through these kinds of ups and downs. My life is good, not without struggle but it is the kind of struggles that most go through. I never wake up wondering when I can have my first drink, I never wake up hungover, I don’t hate myself anymore.

I have worked hard to get to where I am at now, it hasn’t been easy but my life is so much more rewarding than it was when I was drinking. I definitely feel like I am a different person now. I can look back over my life now and see that ‘I’ wasn’t the alcohol problem; I was just lost for a long time. I can remember being a little kid with real clarity and remembering the feelings I used to have, and the person I used to be. Well, I still am that person, I just went off on a detour for a very long time and it has taken me a while to get myself back. It is actually a very weird experience to tell you the truth. I often have the feeling that no-one really knows who I am because I am so different now. I may have written this before but I will always remember it.

I said to a therapist once that I was afraid that people wouldn’t like me now that I was sober because I was so different. She responded by saying that even though I felt very different, the essence of me would always be the same. I didn’t understand her at the time but I do now. I have found my way back to who I really am. It has taken a lot of time, effort and work on myself but miraculously here I am writing this today and feeling what I write with all of my heart. Quite amazing. If I can do it, so can you.

Wishbone:

2011-08-10T23:18:00.005+08:00

“Wishbone usually stands for a wish or desire. If the wishbone is unbroken it means the wish will be fulfilled in the near future. If the wishbone is broken or cracked, but all of the pieces are still there the wish will eventually come true. However if the wishbone is broken and a piece is missing, it means your wish will go ungranted.”

In actuality, the Wishbone is worn as a bracelet but it’s too loose for me, so instead, I wore it as an anklet. Nevertheless, I love it. (PS* This is my first accessory ever purchased.)

Home is where the heart is.

2011-08-08T23:25:00.000+08:00

A little more personal.

2011-08-04T20:54:00.001+08:00

Into the third week of School, and my classmates are such dears! I’m managing well, must be the conviction, and willpower to put my Life back together. But I’m still not use to lugging around textbooks, or the “Focus” lessons held after co-curriculum timing, only because I’m sluggish. And I’ve only another 3-months before the O’levels examination, it’s intimidating.

Nobody said it was easy.

2011-08-03T21:25:00.001+08:00

I had you for a moment, I had a firm grip, and somehow I lost you. I was so close, and now I’m so far.

You really did a number on me.

2011-07-30T01:00:00.002+08:00

I swear to God, I hate you.

Yuri Pleskun for Marc by Marc Jacobs.

2011-07-28T00:36:00.007+08:00

Recovery.

2011-07-26T23:22:00.001+08:00

My DPA application got through to Temasek Polytechnic (Course: Retail Management). Personally, taking my notorious reputation and results in School into consideration, I mean, this is so unexpected. Still, I’m determined to OWN the interview. This is my calling. And my Literature teacher sent a private message to me, via Facebook. So cute.

Jeffery Campbell LITA: Black Calf Leather

2011-07-22T10:20:00.000+08:00

If I don’t figure out a way to find the money for these shoes, I will die.

I don't want to be the sick girl anymore.

2011-07-21T23:45:00.003+08:00

My health has taken a turn for the worst, and it’s condition declining hastily. I need to get better, I have to.

I Have An Issue.

2011-07-18T00:53:00.002+08:00

I’ve to finish-up an O’level (F&N) Coursework Examination, TONIGHT. So, I’ll have it ready for submission, and presentation the day after. Thing is, I haven’t even begun. Because fucking up takes practice, and I feel that I’m well rehearsed, I’m thinking whether I should screw it, and instead, snuggle in bed, watching Robin Hood with a bag of Ruffles. But then again, decisions. Sigh.

Let It Go.

2011-07-16T23:40:00.002+08:00

“When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

I don't want, to hurt over this, because I don't feel it's worth it.

Universal Studios Singapore

2011-07-13T20:40:00.006+08:00

Snippets through pictures taken of a day at Universal Studios Singapore. Visual pleasure.

What I miss, I never had.

2011-07-09T14:05:00.000+08:00

So take your empty words, your broken promises, and all the time you stole. Because I’m done with this.

Nothing Else Matters.

2011-07-07T12:20:00.000+08:00

I’m going to make fuckloads of money. I will be Rich.

Come back to me.

2011-06-30T12:40:00.001+08:00

For fuck’s sake. It wasn’t minutes, days, months but years. Three years. I’ve spent the last three years trying to forget. But I couldn’t, I didn’t want to because if you drift further into my past, my memory of you fractures and splinters until all I can clearly remember is not even a picture but a feeling. Forgive me for weeping but I can’t keep the sadness in anymore, I’ve lost all composure. So, if it isn’t too late to say all these things, would you believe me if I said I was sorry, for taking you for granted? The question wasn’t meant to hurt, it was just me having been too blind to see the wreckage left behind me of everything that I’ve single-handedly destroyed. It’s like, I am Midas in reverse. Everything I touch, I ruin. Maybe I’m confused as to whether I’m over you, or not. Maybe I just miss you, from time to time, and I still wonder if our time came too soon. I’m contented with my Life but my feelings tend to contradict and sometimes, I allow my tendency to overwrite the fact that it’s been hard but I’m strong. Most of the times, I’m smiling and laughing instead of thinking about you. But at the strangest moments, for no reason at all, my thoughts travels back to you, the feelings and memories we had. The hello, the journey and the goodbye. Yes, it might not have been the best example of a proper relationship but the months we spent together were beautiful. Exquisite.

That night. Particularly: That moment, I swear we were infinite. You had me at hello, there were no words left in my system. Overwhelming. I pictured your smile. I heard your laughter in my head. But the voices tell me to silence it. To destroy it. I defy. I still love you, and I never got to say I love you as much as I wanted to but I do. Yeah, I’ll say it now and you can’t hear me. What the fuck good does that do to me now? I'll drink to that. If life is anything, it's unpredictable. I often trip over the things I'm looking for.

I cut you out, now set me free.

2011-05-24T02:15:00.003+08:00

This Space is temporarily devoid of consciousness. Because; I'm laying low — Keeping my personal Life discreet. But still, I'd be posting updates on how I'm getting by. Regularly. And for the first time in a long time, I'm content. (and happy.)

Feel it in my bones.

2011-05-15T03:48:00.009+08:00

Mike O' Donnell: Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful and safe because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad because I had you. And then I, I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today but I don't want you to. But I guess if I love you, I should let you move on. [pretending to read a letter to Scarlet in divorce court] (via 17 Again)

Charlatan.

2011-05-05T02:48:00.007+08:00

However wronged the Act was, waking up in the arms of a stranger never felt so right. And I'm not sorry. This is Vengeance, from all the bitterness and hatred I'd harbored. You killed my heart just to see if, I will rise. Above your anger, and above your lies. And I did, because I was driven. Now, I want to hurt you like how you did to me. So you'd know the immense pain I went through, and how difficult it was for me to build myself back up. How does it feel now?

Tonight (I'm Fucking You).

2011-04-27T01:18:00.005+08:00

These 2-weeks have been wrecking Havoc. And so, I'll break it in point:

1. A house-party at MBS in celebration to Alan's 19th. Where I met the 哥儿们(s): Brandon, Edward, Jeremy, Jia Hao, Kok Tiong and Zack. The week after with these bunch of People at Zouk for ReadySet Glo: Crookers. Good nights, because I held my liquor well enough to stay sober. And there were other days where we Lepak and do nothing. Ha ha ha.
2. One-day stay in SGH because of an infected left thigh, that made me a Lame-limper. I've been falling ill, ever since I openly proclaimed that I never would. The Fuck? Karma's being a bigger bitch than I am, but I've made a recovery.
3. My disappearing act: No-show attendance from School. I've gotten use to waking up in the afternoon, and lazing. But I've decided to continue studying and sit through the Olevels Examinations. (In actuality, it isn't a choice because the Mid-Years have begun and I had since missed Papers so, you get the drift.) Anyway, I recently ran an errand — Grocery Shopping! For a coursework. My maiden experience meandering alone in a Supermarket with a purchase List. The horror.
4. I've received Christianity into my Life, and this rapture has done more than I'd bargained for because I've been better. Shit. I seem religious but I'm still bad and perfectly good at it, except I don't let sins reign my mortality nor do I wallow in agony. I'm not stained beyond redemption.

Ever has it been that love knows not it's own depth until the hour of separation.

2011-04-24T21:25:00.003+08:00

It all comes down to this. A decision. When all is gone and can't be regained, we can't seem to shelter the pain inside. I miss you more than I can bare, and I want nothing more than to relapse. But when the dust settles, all becomes clear. I know better now — You can't put your arms around a memory. We had our time together, and I have to let you go.

Top of the World.

2011-04-16T22:28:00.005+08:00

The Flight Out.

2011-04-06T23:11:00.002+08:00

"I look up the stars, and know you're out there somewhere. I don't know where you are, or what you're doing, heck; sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore. But it doesn't matter to me. Not anymore. Cause in the night sky, bright or cloudy, my tired eyes become clear with clarity that this all meant something. Every smile, every tear, led me, led us, to where we are now. And maybe, you're out there living a different life, while I watch the world go round beneath me, but that's okay. It still means something. I don't care if I don't know where I'm going, cause I do know that I'll end up where I'm meant to be."

I feel different. Bitchier.

2011-04-04T15:45:00.000+08:00

No Love Can Save Me.

2011-03-31T23:48:00.001+08:00

The sky is dead, the sun has set. I close my eyes and try to forget. This day that time has overtaken, this day that hope has forsaken. I'm waiting for the world to burn me down. Time has changed me and soon time will erase me. I've realized that I've done so much wrong. I've got no place to call my home. Now that change to live has come and gone. People screaming all along the streets, knowing that their world lays in defeat. Lies in defeat. Time has changed me and soon time will erase me. I've realized that I've done so much wrong. I've got no place to call my home. Farewell to who I am, farewell to who I used to be. Promises of better days have come and gone. Farewell to the man you see. I pray that there's no eternity for me. Forgive me destiny, this world has fucking destroyed me. Forgive me destiny, this world has ruined the plans you have for me. Life has polluted me. Forgive me, forgive me.

A Formspring Request:

2011-03-30T21:15:00.002+08:00

As requested by an Anonymous from my Formspring account, this is how I look in School-uniform. Barefaced. I didn't want to take a full-picture because the School's skirt resembles a table cloth. Seriously. Well anyway, if you want me to do any further requests, suggestions or topics you want me to cover on, leave a comment!

Everybody just have a good time.

2011-03-28T03:38:00.010+08:00

Toss. Turn. I can't sleep, sleep doesn't come easy for the grieving. And besides, the Night wants me awake for companion. My head's feeling pressure from all sides, my body's bending backwards, and it feels like I might break. I'm starring at my Laptop screen as I craft an entry. Every night, this happens. I wonder if it's solace, to ease the pain I'm feeling. I hate being miserable, because it comes in waves and it takes me around in thoughts. There are so many things I want to say but, I can't coherent sentences and I only choke on my tears.

This is an entry of a day in School:

2011-03-25T15:05:00.011+08:00

Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about.

2011-03-25T01:40:00.004+08:00

Best Relationships: Is when you two can act like lovers and best friends. It’s when you have more playful moments than serious moments. It’s when you can joke around, let each other have piggy backs, have unexpected hugs and random kisses. It’s when you two give each other that specific stare and just smile. It’s when you’ll rather chill inside to watch movies, eat junk food and cuddle than go out all the time. It’s when you’ll stay up all night just to settle your arguments and problems. It’s when you can completely act yourself and they can still love you for who you are.

2011-03-23T20:24:00.000+08:00

You’ll never know of all the sleepless nights, and you’ll never know how much she witnessed.

You'll never the pain that you've caused her, and you'll never know the child that you've destroyed.

For five more years she endured the pain, and in that time, self-confidence fled.

At age thirteen, with so much to give, her will to live was dead.

Late one night, in that backseat, that boy promised his love.

But even when he ripped away her pride, it sickeningly felt right.

Do you know how that felt? You can't imagine how that felt.

And on that fateful night, when she put that gun to her head, your apologies meant nothing.

Before she pulled she said,

"Don't worry Daddy, the damage is fucking done."

Fugacious.

2011-03-22T22:15:00.004+08:00

I had barely slept in seven days; my bed was a twisted nest of discontent. I'd tired all the tricks — A couple of glasses of Scotch, keeping the bedroom cool, getting up to break the relentless churning inside my skull, but the mental bustle continued. It was unstoppable, obstinate and implacable. No distraction was enough to throw it from its orbit. Everything else was inconsequential. Senseless.

Lies will burn a hole in your soul.

2011-03-22T00:07:00.001+08:00

These were a fresh bunch of Snippets which the Bestfriend had sent over this afternoon. We were Tourists on our maiden experience roaming around the streets of Sungei Road. And boy, the Thieves Market is a must-see.

LuanLegacy.

2011-03-20T03:40:00.004+08:00

Waking up.

2011-03-20T02:15:00.002+08:00

Simply said, everything's messed-up. Always has, and always will be. That's normal. I'm still unsettled but strangely, I've been better. I'm good. Not happier — There is a difference. Nevertheless, there's progress made. And for the past few days, I've had an unusual Bodyclock which explains the consecutiveness in entries posted for 7-days straight, solely because I'm awake, however tired I am and I wrote to pass whatever time I could. In conjunction to that, I'd wake up feeling like shit. Queer. And considering how I'll be up during unearthly hours, I've been spending the dawns at a Park. My temporary escape. The thing about this rural environment, is the ironical fact how it's located exactly one-meter away from the Highway. Which is considerable for easy suicidal, not that I'm planning to die any soon but just think about the possibilities and how accessible this death-route is. A'ight, enough said.

Gym Fever.

2011-03-18T01:48:00.010+08:00

For the time being, I've decided to reactivate my Formspring account. You're authorized to ask but please, nothing intrusive. Anyway, I'd be in the Gym tomorrow evening AFTER (WHATSEEMEDLIKE)AGES because I need to get a little stamina back, that is if I've any left. And I've the help of my Brother whom offered to be a personal Trainer. Apparently, he's hard on me, especially when he gives the "Drink more, and you'll get a beer belly. Then you keep taking those pills, that's why you're gaining weight." talks. Lecturer Tan. Ha ha ha. In addition, I need to cut-down on my smoking habits. Healthy Lifestyle.

It's In Your Blood.

2011-03-18T00:12:00.004+08:00

Now The One You Once Loved Is Leaving.

2011-03-17T03:00:00.003+08:00

What do you know about love?

2011-03-16T02:28:00.005+08:00

I can't stay over you.
It seems we drive forever but can never get away from here,
just one more try.
I'm guessing you are over me, I guess it's bravery.
Well cause it's black out the window while you sleep in the passenger seat.
It's gone.

Oh when it's always on your mind but you never speak of the name.
It's in your blood and face and I'm certain it's fame.
So I stayed out in the car cause the weather had gotten to me.
But it's really these road signs and freeways that I can't take.

This can't be how you live.
It's like a ball and chain around your waist or this simple state.
Your mind's sick again.
I'm tasting nothing but 4 words, "Please don't leave me".
And it's dark in the winter so your ideas start to sleep.

Well your head is spinning like that carousel,
and I know you're a mess after 3 or 4.
But if you make it different then we'll make our way to the surface,
and your favorite place.
Where we sit, and we breathe.
cause I know all the words and I sing you everything.
Well they're just thoughts so go ahead and speak.
So pick out what you like and call me when you're on the way.
You can spend the night and hope to sleep all day.
For me it's just another week, twenty eight was once how I dreamed.
And with your scent on my face I can leave and have you for days.

I still can't see you.
The summer came and we got lost, all of us.
You are nothing without her.
I still won't remember your face,
the features mix too well with this alcohol.
So we cover ourselves in your fear,
and stay to watch that moon disappear under these lights.
This city, this city's screaming at me.
And as you breathe the words I better go.
The sun is up and taking back all the shadows that covered this ground, and our feet, like a blanket of coal.

#nowplaying Space Bound — Eminem.

2011-03-15T23:11:00.003+08:00

We both know you're no good for me. But if anyone's going to break this heart, I think it should be you.

Fuck sanity, we're all living in madness.

2011-03-14T05:26:00.001+08:00

Holla. I'm blogging, even though it's pointless. I've been in my Room for the past 26-hours, solely because I was locked in. Absurd. Apart from having a cigarette trample tar around my little black lungs, and mourning over the lost of my E63 which was stolen at Powerhouse, nothing much. Anyway, in context to the previous entry, those were yesterday's feelings and I shall speak of procrastination no more because I've emancipated myself from mental slavery. Apparently, I couldn't tolerate myself being weak because it's disturbing. I will point to my scars constantly and remind you that they are what woke me up and renew my desire to live. The wild, untamed and unstoppable bitch is back. Ha ha ha.

Cliffhanger.

2011-03-13T18:16:00.005+08:00

By far, March has been the worst. I knew, and expected that 2011 will be hard on me. See, misery never disappoints. I once had a mindset to be idealistic to everyone. Be the Daughter that any Parent would be proud of, instead of being a nightmare that fell on the wrong path, and ends herself in the Police station time after time for those wrong-doings. Be the Friend that would be your 24/7 Aunt Agony, without having to take cautions or wear a Facade because I didn't knew who was fake, and who was real. Be that Girl who took a risk and gave up infatuation flings, who wanted be good enough to be called yours, instead of being placed second best. I was over with smoking Marlboro's daily even though the side-effects were nasty, getting myself drunk every weekend and making-out with Boys whom I didn't even knew, and done with the tattoo-ing and piercings. I was ready to live with my mistakes which was a struggle but I wanted to be good, instead of messing around because it fucked me so bad I couldn't save myself. But I was thrown around like a ragdoll by People I love the most. Play me. Pushed me around. Pushed me away. Use me. Throw me. I've been crushing my own dreams, with my own hand and destroying ideals I've lived with just so it'd be easier for them. But harder for me. It's like they take and they take, and I keep giving and saying that it's okay. When it's not. Eventually, I just gave up on everything. And at the very end of the day, I am empty.

Strange as it seems, after so many years living with the absence of Christainity and having since adapted to that, I want to go back to Church. It's like I'm ready to put down my pride and beg for redemption, to have my sins washed away. Start afresh.

2011-03-13T17:46:00.001+08:00

"This space that is growing between us, do you know what that feels like? It feels held-back tears and swallowed words, stinging eyes, and burning throats. It feels like emptiness, in the cavity between my ribacge. It hurts."

#nowplaying How About Enough — A Vacant Affair.

2011-03-11T15:58:00.002+08:00

2011-03-11T00:15:00.005+08:00

"Even people I've known for so long soon become strangers to me. People change and grow tired of having you in their life. I'm my own best friend. It's sad, but it is what it is. — Megan Fox (Source: meganfoxxxdaily)

We'll pull through.

2011-03-06T11:59:00.001+08:00

Nowhere is Safe.

2011-03-06T02:58:00.001+08:00

Happiness, I wish I could find you. I wish I could touch you. Wrap my arms around you. And whisper, "It's all going to be OK."

Like Toy Soldiers.

2011-03-04T00:11:00.004+08:00

You called me over when I was young and told me you wanted to see how strong I was. I was eager to impress you so I obliged. You told me to put my hand in front of my face and try to keep it there, while you tried to pull it away. I thought I was doing so well as I strained against your arm. Until you let go. And I hit myself so hard I ended up on the ground with a bleeding nose. You helped me up, after you’d finished laughing, and said “Let that be a lesson. Trust no one. Not even me.” Despite what had happened, there was more love in that sentence than a thousand bed time stories.

I miss you, Dad. More than you'll ever know.

2011-03-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

My Attitude Is Tattooed.

2011-03-01T22:52:00.001+08:00

I always find myself questioning my existence. I am never good enough for someone, something or at anything.

Humans.

2011-02-27T22:20:00.001+08:00

Young and Reckless.

2011-02-27T15:45:00.001+08:00

We're rascals. Self, young consumption machines. We live for leisure and our ultimate happiness is to hear the ching of our diamond studded piggy banks. We've spent more than others have in their lifetime, we've bought ourselves. We eat the exquisite, wear the tailored and drive the luxurious. We never settle for anything below. We're objects, never fulfilled, never satisfied, yet we strain for more. Addictions accumulate, generation alcohol, caffeine, nicotine. We sin, we make love, we sip, we stab each other's backs.-

Yes, we are today's youth.

El Mañana.

2011-02-27T14:31:00.011+08:00

9:50PM @Starbucks (Marina Square).

2011-02-24T21:50:00.002+08:00

2011-02-22T18:26:00.002+08:00

Browsed through the albums in my Laptop, and I came across this Picture. And I'll always remember. For what's worth, I'm sorry. I really am. And I hope you're doing well, better the least.

Boy Fetish.

2011-02-21T16:31:00.000+08:00

Nobody Said It Was Easy.

2011-02-20T02:34:00.000+08:00

Reality.

2011-02-20T00:42:00.002+08:00

Hello World. It's five months since I've been living in this condition. And I've been asked countless of times, the tongue-wagging question: What really changed me? This. Dad: "Do you remember what you said, on your first day of Secondary School? You said, "Dad, *Points at a bunch of Hooligans by the neighbouring Playground* I will never become one of them. Promise." And you were right, you weren't like them. But look into the mirror — You are far worser than that. You are a wreck." Try that on for disappointment. After that, everything changed. One day can bend your Life, and that seemed to bend mine inexorably downward. And all that did was divert me. Took away everything I thought I knew and everything I thought I wanted, steering me into all kinds of other stuff. Such as, the burning Cigarette grasped between the tip of my fingers as I write this. I mean, these distractions were my form of a temporary escape. Like a 24/7 companion. People thought that I've lost sanity, and figured I crossed the line. They'd asked themselves, "How long can she survive?" The truth is, there is no line. There's only your Life, how you mess it up, and who is there to save you. Or who isn't. Everyone's expecting me to come to realization but going back is harder than you think. And I might not be happy now, in actuality I'm fucking miserable but I'm okay. At least I tell myself so.

Tuesday at Haji Lane.

2011-02-15T19:37:00.006+08:00

I never fell in love with you. I just fell.

2011-02-14T08:22:00.003+08:00

I don’t know what happened. How we all became so fragile, so incredibly breakable. I don’t know why my tears can fall so easily yet every single one feels like I’m failing at this facade of being happy, fine, and alive. I don’t understand how missing someone can quietly kill you and how an unrequited love, just robs you of this sense of hope we all should have. I can’t comprehend how everyone thinks I’m so strong, and brave, when all I feel is weak and scared. I don’t know when this happened, when life became like this. Because looking back, it’s always been this way.

Just Thoughts;

2011-02-14T08:19:00.003+08:00

I love my Girlfriends.

2011-02-11T19:39:00.006+08:00

I miss you.

2011-02-11T19:35:00.000+08:00

Is this it?

2011-02-11T15:08:00.002+08:00

"They stared at each other. The sensation between them was intense. Exhausting. She thought that this Man was her saviour, that he had come to her at a time in her Life when it demanded completion, an end, a was absurd to think this. No person could save another. So, she drew back from him and released him." - The Lady with the Pet Dog.

Somehow, you emitted some gentle power that makes me want to be good. Still, it was frivolous to have thought that some things do last forever. This is about you and me, and we are not good anymore. Yet again.

2011-02-08T20:20:00.003+08:00

Skin and Bones.

2011-02-05T14:42:00.004+08:00

You pick my heart from between my lungs and kiss my eyelids to sleep; you sneak into my dreams and wind your name around my bones so that your image remains when I wake up.

The Re-built of a Chronological Breakdown.

2011-02-04T12:58:00.004+08:00

I let it go. It is like swimming against the current. It exhausts you and after awhile, whoever you are, you just have to let it go, and the river brings you home.

Blitzkreig.

2011-01-31T19:11:00.002+08:00

A few times in my Life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my Life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realized that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.

If only time could stop for happiness, or make the moments infinite.

2011-01-30T23:11:00.002+08:00

Mind-blowing Junkyard Sale:

2011-01-26T02:20:00.001+08:00

The lengths I went in making an attempt to earn quick cash to avoid being financially crippled, has left me sleep deprived and I need to wake-up for school in barely four hours time. So anyway, I've put together a webstore (http://28octobers.livejournal.com) and thank God for Wenxi whom offer to help with the modelling! I love you. ♥

Happy Birthday, Joe. And I love you always. ♥

2011-01-25T00:38:00.001+08:00

2011-01-24T08:56:00.001+08:00

I just realized this, just today, just when you told me off. I loved you for that. I can’t even tell you how much. I’d kill for you. I’d die for you. I’d be happy forever if you’d only smile at me although, come to think of it, I wish you’d kiss me. I want to hold you; I want you to hold me. You are so gorgeous I can hardly believe it. You make me laugh; you make me cry. Nothing matters but you. There is nothing in this world that I want or need, but you. You. Lucinda Scarborough. You. I love you. — Zack, from Impossible by Nancy Werlin (via quote-book)

You don't need a Boyfriend to feel good.

2011-01-20T23:40:00.001+08:00

Deep Conversations.

2011-01-17T00:45:00.014+08:00

The Messenger.

2011-01-09T23:45:00.003+08:00

I never thought I'd end myself in such a state, I fucked up and despite having finally acknowledge that I've been living under the false pretense of happiness, I've enough capacity to further drag myself downwards into self-destruction. Congratulations, I've never learnt from these mistakes made, even after having hit rock-bottom. Still, I'm undeservingly fortunate to receive support from Friends, whom I've repeatedly pushed away because I never wanted to be sympathized for. And under the influence of jealously and self-instilled vengeance, I've hurt that one person whom illuminated me, made me feel like anything's possible and that Life's worth living. I was for once, content. Until I screwed up. At this point of time, Death would have been the easy way out. Afterall, I've lost myself. Completely. The agony, the harbored hatred and looking into the mirror not liking what you see, I've found every reason to end the misery. But it shouldn't be a chosen path, because I know I could do so much better than that. I will. I need to find my way back to the start, learn how to stop destroying myself, stop being hard on myself. And be nice, to myself. So, I've figured the disconnection from the outside world would revitalize me. There is not guarantee but I'll be trying. And I hope, you'll wait.

Perfect Nightmare.

2011-01-03T02:19:00.004+08:00

What I'm trying to say is that I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone because I love you that much.

The sea is nothing but a library of all the tears in history.

2011-01-03T01:34:00.003+08:00

Snippets from all over the week. Don't vividly re-call how these days were spent, except merely the late night outs and trying to remember to return back Home. Having said that, I do need to get a grip, pull myself together and embrace 2011.

2010-12-30T03:16:00.001+08:00

Kiss the boys and make them die.

2010-12-29T02:35:00.001+08:00

Happy in a daze of a drunken hour but, Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

Use Me.

2010-12-29T00:28:00.003+08:00

Pretend like you miss me. Tell me you think about me all the time when you don't. Go out of the way to make me feel special when your plan is to leave me just as soon as you get what you want. Please. Wasted every bit of me. Hurt me as much as you're capable of. Expand your vocabulary with romantic love notes of our future and present. Just wipe me out entirely with your addicting lies. Give everything then take it away. There's nothing I want more.

The Bitch Is Back.

2010-12-23T23:48:00.007+08:00

I'll confess; I've been feeling a little off my game. But I'm expecting a return to form very soon.

2010-12-23T23:15:00.001+08:00

2010-12-23T22:51:00.000+08:00

2010-12-22T04:05:00.000+08:00

#nowplaying Gotten — Slash feat. Adam Levine.

2010-12-20T13:20:00.003+08:00

Though lovers are lost, love shall not. And death shall have no dominion.

2010-12-20T12:52:00.012+08:00

2010-12-18T02:47:00.000+08:00